My husband Steve Meyer died by suicide 11 years ago. As I look back I am grateful that I found a support group to deal with the tragedy. There were no Facebook pages at that time to offer support. Thankfully, today there is an abundance of online support easily at our fingertips. Without it I don’t believe I would have the healthy state of mind that I do now. At one time, I considered ending my own life out of pure grief. But the still, small voice within helped me to see things differently.
Initially, I felt anger toward God and I quit going to church. Steve and I were deacons and I feared I would be judged. Some people view suicide as a sin and believe the person will never be reconciled to God. I certainly didn’t believe it. I felt that God loved Steve no matter what had happened to him. The former beliefs that I once held true about God, the world, and myself needed to be reevaluated. I spent four years away from organized religion. During that time I spent hours taking long walks on the beach going within and seeking God. Because of it I’ve had my own awakening.
One thing I now believe is that even though the body dies, a person’s energy still exists in a realm of peace, love, joy, and light. When I quieted my mind, heart, and spirit and was open to possibilities, I felt this peace. Many people have had profound experiences with their deceased loved ones through dreams and other encounters. I have learned not to judge them.
After Steve died I began to see the numbers 11:11 on the clock and other electronic devices. Initially, I didn’t pay much attention to them but they kept appearing. In numerology the number 1 is a power number. One day when I saw 11:11 brightly lit on the microwave, a Beatles song began to play on the radio. Steve was a musician and a Beatles fan. He often serenaded me while playing their songs on his guitar. After that, any time I saw those numbers a sense of peace came over me and I felt the energy of pure love surrounding me. Those experiences caused me to spend more time in meditation discovering that there was a pure, positive energy source (that I call God) living inside me. This revelation liberated me. I knew that I didn’t need to search for anything outside myself.
It made me realize how powerful I really am because of this source. It gave me a new perspective on life. It was the driving force that gave me hope. My personal belief is that we all have this inner divine source that can help us on our journey in this world. I tapped into it by spending time in the silence of my own heart and mind. This does not in any way deny the grieving process. I had to experience deep pain and suffering before I could begin to do those things. It took an extreme amount of effort and at times seemed impossible. I sought help from support groups and psychotherapy.
I have experienced the dark night of the soul, which eventually led to my transformation. I felt driven to create a website, robinchodak.com, to encourage those who have lost loved ones to suicide.
After my hiatus from my former church, I discovered Unity and found that my new way of thinking was in alignment with many of its principles. At the same time I discovered Daily Word. Reading it has become part of my morning ritual. I am grateful for all that I have learned through my own personal tragedy. There is really no separation between us, because love is eternal.